Post by The Human Cancer on Jun 16, 2008 0:12:23 GMT -5
The following show is real.
The cases are real.
The people are real.
And most of all, those rolls on the judge's fat gut are real.
This is Judge Balls Mahoney: Small Claims Court.
*The usual People's Court music hits, while the plaintiff walks down the row between the observation seats of the court room, escorted by his two attorneys.*
The Plaintiff: Scott Levy
The Legal Team: Professor Chaos and General Disarray
*Scott and his team take position at their podium, while the music continues to play and the defendant and his legal team make their way down the aisle.*
The Defendant: Phillip Brooks
The Legal Team: Terrance and Phillip
*Phil takes his position at the podium opposite of Scott's. The camera fixates on Scott and his team.*
Announcer: This is Scott Levy. He is pressing charges against Phillip Brooks. These two have been friends for quite a few years; that is, until Phil started acting like a douche and flapped his face about he was better. And, according to Scott, has lied about being straight edge to the young, impressionable 5 year olds who buy his shirts.
*The camera goes from Scott to Phil*
Announcer: This is Phillip Brooks. He is counter suing Mr. Levy excessive use of force in every match they had against each other. Pfft, like he'll win that
*The bailiff stumbles out of the judge's chambers towards the side of the bench, swinging a Jack Daniels bottle at his side
Bailiff Scott Hall: HEY YO! Please rise for the honorable Judge Balls Mahoney, chico!
*The observers and parties do as they're told as Balls Mahoney emerges to the bench in his usual ripped t-shirt and jean shorts attire, along with sporting a powdered wig.*
Judge Balls Mahoney: Ok, Ok, sit the fuck down... I gotta eat soon.
Phil Brooks: Your honor, I--
Judge Balls Mahoney: Shut up you straight edge bitch. Speak once more and I will hold you in contempt of the court. Anyway, Scott, let me see the paperwork.
Bailiff Scott Hall: Right away, chico...
*Scott stumbles towards the two parties to receive the complaints they filed. Midway back, Scott vomits on the floor, then collapses into it.*
Judge Balls Mahoney: Aw, fuck it, let's get this over with. Since the defendant looks like a flaming fucking queer, he can go first.
Terrance: Mr. Brooks did nothing that Mr. Levy here claims. Because, in fact, he is an uncle fucker.
Professor Chaos: Oh yeah!? We'll see about that... When I rule the world MUAHAHAHAHA
Phil: Suck my balls, guy!
*Balls repeatedly slams his gavel to quiet the lawyers down.*
Judge Balls Mahoney: ORDER! ORDER!
Bailiff Scott Hall: Hey yo chico, I can see my burrito mang!
Scott Levy: Your honor, I have some evidence I'd like to enter as exhibit A.
Judge Balls Mahoney: Fine.
Phil Brooks: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE, I--
Judge Balls Mahoney: GOD DAMN CONTEMPT YOU FUCK!
*As Judge Balls yells out contempt, The Godfather's theme begins to play, followed by the man himself, and a rather large woman dressed in spandex twirling handcuffs on her index finger, wearing a visitor's badge reading "Shannon". With a look of shock and awe, Shannon lifts Phil onto her shoulder, and walks back from where she came. The music dies down and General Disarray heads to the bench with exhibit A: a picture of Phil fucking a fat hooker with the "Shannon" nametage while shooting up heroine, smoking a joint, and drinking Bud Light from a beer helmet.*
Judge Balls Mahoney: Inconclusive, judgment for the plaintiff in--
Phil Brooks: OH MY GOD SHANNON, RIDE ME LIKE SEABISCUIT TO WENDY'S!
Judge Balls Mahoney: Um... How about I mail you his wallet later?
Scott Levy: Fine by me.
*Balls slams his gavel, closing the case*
Final Thoughts
Scott Levy: I'd thought having to fuck a whale like that was bad, but Jesus Christ Phil, you are sick.
Phil Brooks: GOBBLE IT LIKE MCNUGGETS YOU FILTHY WHORE! YES! YES!!
*The credits roll with the theme music once again.*
The cases are real.
The people are real.
And most of all, those rolls on the judge's fat gut are real.
This is Judge Balls Mahoney: Small Claims Court.
*The usual People's Court music hits, while the plaintiff walks down the row between the observation seats of the court room, escorted by his two attorneys.*
The Plaintiff: Scott Levy
The Legal Team: Professor Chaos and General Disarray
*Scott and his team take position at their podium, while the music continues to play and the defendant and his legal team make their way down the aisle.*
The Defendant: Phillip Brooks
The Legal Team: Terrance and Phillip
*Phil takes his position at the podium opposite of Scott's. The camera fixates on Scott and his team.*
Announcer: This is Scott Levy. He is pressing charges against Phillip Brooks. These two have been friends for quite a few years; that is, until Phil started acting like a douche and flapped his face about he was better. And, according to Scott, has lied about being straight edge to the young, impressionable 5 year olds who buy his shirts.
*The camera goes from Scott to Phil*
Announcer: This is Phillip Brooks. He is counter suing Mr. Levy excessive use of force in every match they had against each other. Pfft, like he'll win that
*The bailiff stumbles out of the judge's chambers towards the side of the bench, swinging a Jack Daniels bottle at his side
Bailiff Scott Hall: HEY YO! Please rise for the honorable Judge Balls Mahoney, chico!
*The observers and parties do as they're told as Balls Mahoney emerges to the bench in his usual ripped t-shirt and jean shorts attire, along with sporting a powdered wig.*
Judge Balls Mahoney: Ok, Ok, sit the fuck down... I gotta eat soon.
Phil Brooks: Your honor, I--
Judge Balls Mahoney: Shut up you straight edge bitch. Speak once more and I will hold you in contempt of the court. Anyway, Scott, let me see the paperwork.
Bailiff Scott Hall: Right away, chico...
*Scott stumbles towards the two parties to receive the complaints they filed. Midway back, Scott vomits on the floor, then collapses into it.*
Judge Balls Mahoney: Aw, fuck it, let's get this over with. Since the defendant looks like a flaming fucking queer, he can go first.
Terrance: Mr. Brooks did nothing that Mr. Levy here claims. Because, in fact, he is an uncle fucker.
Professor Chaos: Oh yeah!? We'll see about that... When I rule the world MUAHAHAHAHA
Phil: Suck my balls, guy!
*Balls repeatedly slams his gavel to quiet the lawyers down.*
Judge Balls Mahoney: ORDER! ORDER!
Bailiff Scott Hall: Hey yo chico, I can see my burrito mang!
Scott Levy: Your honor, I have some evidence I'd like to enter as exhibit A.
Judge Balls Mahoney: Fine.
Phil Brooks: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE, I--
Judge Balls Mahoney: GOD DAMN CONTEMPT YOU FUCK!
*As Judge Balls yells out contempt, The Godfather's theme begins to play, followed by the man himself, and a rather large woman dressed in spandex twirling handcuffs on her index finger, wearing a visitor's badge reading "Shannon". With a look of shock and awe, Shannon lifts Phil onto her shoulder, and walks back from where she came. The music dies down and General Disarray heads to the bench with exhibit A: a picture of Phil fucking a fat hooker with the "Shannon" nametage while shooting up heroine, smoking a joint, and drinking Bud Light from a beer helmet.*
Judge Balls Mahoney: Inconclusive, judgment for the plaintiff in--
Phil Brooks: OH MY GOD SHANNON, RIDE ME LIKE SEABISCUIT TO WENDY'S!
Judge Balls Mahoney: Um... How about I mail you his wallet later?
Scott Levy: Fine by me.
*Balls slams his gavel, closing the case*
Final Thoughts
Scott Levy: I'd thought having to fuck a whale like that was bad, but Jesus Christ Phil, you are sick.
Phil Brooks: GOBBLE IT LIKE MCNUGGETS YOU FILTHY WHORE! YES! YES!!
*The credits roll with the theme music once again.*
